A friend told me one of the reasons he loved me was for my ability to spew amusing streams of profanity. I think this may be why the fires of hell have decided to rise up from the dregs of the earth and set up shop on my face right near my mouth. Lucifer must have heard me tell everyone to 'get fucked' at that party last week and thought I could provide the proper nurturing for hell on earth.

For this talent, I'd like to thank my Mom, Chevy Chase and that little girl from Flatliners who punctuates her perfect profane spew on Kevin Bacon with "you ass-lickin' son of a bitch!"

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Chapter 15

Like God's Own Chocolate, I'd Lick Her Shadow Off a Hot Sidewalk

Fairy Tale Life

Once upon a time there was a beautiful maiden who wanted nothing more than for her prince to fuck right off. Since he was of a callow lot, it would never come to pass by his hand. So the beautiful maiden packed up a carriage and relocated to a village where a prince from Toronto who’d traveled the South Pacific was sure to not follow.

The maiden could not have imagined the wonders that filled her now solitary living arrangement. She could make a lone sandwich and watch back to back episodes of Charmed without hearing any lame princely comments. She could now rent movies where girls cry and people talk about relationships and real life.

Nothing pleased the beautiful maiden more than the beer that stayed in the fridge while she was at work. Oh how she danced and twirled in the snow while wearing mis-matched colours and not caring at all. She even went so far as to set her alarm clock to wake her up with the same uplifting Pearl Jam song every day.

Life is now sweet for the beautiful maiden. She listens to Tori Amos at her leisure and eats entire chocolate bars to herself. So remember, you can love your prince but sometimes your life won’t improve until he fucks right off and leaves you be.