My desire to read over my entire blog before getting back to it has been a terrible excuse for stalling. So fuck it. I'll read it later. I'm starting again. Just elsewhere.

The Book Of Eve: Volume 2

I'm getting antsy over here with this damn wait. Two days away now though. Finally.

You find out you got a little bean growing but the doctors just tell you to come back when you're three months along. That's a long wait to find out if everything is OK.

I would like to start telling people but if an ectopic situation happens then you have to tell everyone it's a no go. I think that would just make dealing with the loss all the more difficult.

Not that people haven't figured out my current status. Suspicions get raised when you're turning down drinks and going to bed early. A simple 'no, thank you' to a beer has spilled this bean to many a friend.

Mmmm, beer. I miss you.

I'm not feeling terribly swift these days. Pregnancy brain's got me all in a haze. Factor that in with job burn out and a limited college education and I'm feeling like a first rate moron. I'm getting the fear that all the drug use of the past has sped up the brain deterioration. Not likely but the paranoia is part of the package.

Weed has been my only drug of choice for the last five years with the barely occasional side of mushrooms. The fog lifted when the bio-clock got me off the daily smoke and now it's settled back in with the new bean in utero. At least the haze is due to the energy spent forming a placenta.

Eject

Have you ever been exiled from a social circle? It's a big stress.

It's like your social standing had been set, you'd worked your way through your life's situations to get you to that place and then it's ripped out from under you. The comfort zone of everyday life is disrupted and soon being alone becomes very desirable.

But the memory of having somewhere to be, a place to call, a crowd to contact, puts you at a crossroads where you feel lonely even when you feel relieved to be alone.

Then you go somewhere into a social group and realize how much of you is not being attended to. You see yourself in a social situation and think 'wow, there's so much more to me that should come out more often.'

But alone has become a favoured place.

How then, do you put your mind back into it?

Damn, hanging out with the good people is oh-so-good.

I've been on the cusp of this totally awesome crowd for the three years of my exile. Three years because of my own apprehension and need for prolonged solitude, but my status is changing. I can dig it.

I am so much more myself than I ever was with the last circle; the dregs of my original high school circle supplemented with college add-ons and per-chances. There were many good people in that circle but I am more me in this one. Exponentially, even...who the fuck was that even, back there in 2006, 2007? Dun-nah?

A lot of filing, giving things names

I have tired of the current stage of myself. I desire modification, evolution. New thoughts, new views, new places to direct my energy. I'm different from before but I still have the quiet rage, it just comes from a different place than before. It's from a harsher place now. Similar in doubt but with stronger evidence. Self sabotage from a lack of trust, steeped in betrayal. Past friends dried up from denied shoulders. Ever pressing questions surrounding my absence from that circle and the likelihood that I couldn't fit in if I tried and that I possibly never did. The probability that I expected too much from friendship and will never be comfortable enough to expect it again. The sad thought that the lack of expectation will keep all future friendships at arms length until they fade.

I have been exiled three years now and I still feel the effects. Time to find a new mental approach. Those people are gone now. Time to re-organize files and records.

FUCK