A Present for Everyone

This holiday season I give to you a quote from John Spartan, the Demolition Man.


"You're gonna regret this the rest of your life... both seconds of it."


Bahahahahahahahahaha......awesome.

Crazy much?

Wow, one tongue-in-cheek post about Keanu and I've all of a sudden tripled the hits to my site. They all seem to be coming from this rather disturbing website that I can't quite wrap my head around but it seems to be dedicated to stalking the poor man.

There's a whole lot of arguing over different ways to approach him and who's actions have actually fallen into the realm of stalking. They all fall into the realm of crazy, I can tell you that.

Watch his movies, defend his acting skills to the naysayers, write comedic posts about your teen-beat crush but otherwise get a life ladies.

You can blow a cool breeze over my mountains anytime

It's lovely how dinner coincides with happy hour.
Now to address HKD's disturbed thoughts on my "obsession" with Keanu.

I think it's important to have unhealthy obsessions. It keeps me dreaming. It might also keep me single. If I can maintain this fantasy that Keanu is the perfect guy for me, then I can deflect all other offers for co-habitation and eventual energy/time-suckage relationships where I get nothing done and just become a really lame, boring other half in a matching jogging suit.

Besides, Keanu really is the perfect guy for me. Let's just break it down.

Keanu is articulate yet his speech is peppered with "dude" and "man" and "totally". Me too, dude, me too.

Keanu is personable and funny but he doesn't give away too much information. Yeah, man, I'm there. My best friend worries that I don't share enough with her.

Keanu is sometimes serious and broody and mostly a loner. Totally me.

Keanu likes to rock. Fuck yeah!

Keanu is an actor so he'd be away a lot for work. I like a guy who knows how to fuck off.

Keanu takes what he does seriously. Finally, a dude with ambition. Where have you been all my life?

Keanu doesn't much care what people think of him. My M.O.

Keanu would look great standing next to me and I next to him. It's the whole God/Goddess thing, plus we match tones. (I have a superiority complex, but not to worry, I have an inferiority complex about that complex.)

I can probably think of more reasons but I'm drunk and I seem to forget them as I think them up. Time to find a party for this evening, must make use of this early drunkedness.

A Few Favourite Movie Lines

"Wipe that face off your head, bitch!" - Darla, Dazed and Confused

"Sorry about that, Marty, I didn't mean to maim you. I only meant to kill you." - Jackie O, The House of Yes

"Well, that happened." - Bob Barrenger, State & Main

"Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole." - Mark, Garden State

"He's got an arm off! " - Shaun, Shaun of the Dead

"I know Kung-Fu." - Neo, The Matrix

"I fell out of my suit when I hit the floor!" - Ted, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Do not doubt the Lasso of Truth!

I should be Wonder Woman. It's true, it really is. Joss Whedon, my writing hero, is writing and directing the Wonder Woman movie. They couldn't have chosen a better person. And since they have the perfect writer/director on board, they should really have the perfect Wonder Woman. And that, my friends, is me.I think I could fill those sexy boots and an unknown really should play the superheroes. Yes, Charisma Carpenter would make a great Wonder Woman but I'd rather her stay Cordelia Chase in my mind. Besides, it'd be much more fun for me to dress up and punch bad guys. I'd look so awesome deflecting bullets.

There is a small list of things I will need to do to prepare for the role.

1.) Get buff
2.) Learn to walk in heels
3.) Lasso training
4.) Invisible jet flying
5.) Learn to act

I think I can manage that list. Now how do I audition? I think that will be the biggest problem. Maybe I should enlist some friends and we could make a documentary about me trying to become Wonder Woman and making Keanu Reeves my lover in the process.

I think that's a fine idea.

I really need to work on my reaction time. When strange drunk men sneak up behind me and give me a slobbery gross kiss on the side of my neck, I just do nothing but think 'what the fuck? ' and keep doing what I'm doing.
I really should practice up on the scorpion kick. That would fuck them up real nice. Or maybe a good ground sweep and then an elbow to the jaw. That'll learn them. I've always wanted to throw an elbow.

How lame am I?

I fell out of bed this morning and hurt myself. My left hand is all bruised and swollen.