A Present for Everyone

This holiday season I give to you a quote from John Spartan, the Demolition Man.


"You're gonna regret this the rest of your life... both seconds of it."


Bahahahahahahahahaha......awesome.

Crazy much?

Wow, one tongue-in-cheek post about Keanu and I've all of a sudden tripled the hits to my site. They all seem to be coming from this rather disturbing website that I can't quite wrap my head around but it seems to be dedicated to stalking the poor man.

There's a whole lot of arguing over different ways to approach him and who's actions have actually fallen into the realm of stalking. They all fall into the realm of crazy, I can tell you that.

Watch his movies, defend his acting skills to the naysayers, write comedic posts about your teen-beat crush but otherwise get a life ladies.

You can blow a cool breeze over my mountains anytime

It's lovely how dinner coincides with happy hour.
Now to address HKD's disturbed thoughts on my "obsession" with Keanu.

I think it's important to have unhealthy obsessions. It keeps me dreaming. It might also keep me single. If I can maintain this fantasy that Keanu is the perfect guy for me, then I can deflect all other offers for co-habitation and eventual energy/time-suckage relationships where I get nothing done and just become a really lame, boring other half in a matching jogging suit.

Besides, Keanu really is the perfect guy for me. Let's just break it down.

Keanu is articulate yet his speech is peppered with "dude" and "man" and "totally". Me too, dude, me too.

Keanu is personable and funny but he doesn't give away too much information. Yeah, man, I'm there. My best friend worries that I don't share enough with her.

Keanu is sometimes serious and broody and mostly a loner. Totally me.

Keanu likes to rock. Fuck yeah!

Keanu is an actor so he'd be away a lot for work. I like a guy who knows how to fuck off.

Keanu takes what he does seriously. Finally, a dude with ambition. Where have you been all my life?

Keanu doesn't much care what people think of him. My M.O.

Keanu would look great standing next to me and I next to him. It's the whole God/Goddess thing, plus we match tones. (I have a superiority complex, but not to worry, I have an inferiority complex about that complex.)

I can probably think of more reasons but I'm drunk and I seem to forget them as I think them up. Time to find a party for this evening, must make use of this early drunkedness.

A Few Favourite Movie Lines

"Wipe that face off your head, bitch!" - Darla, Dazed and Confused

"Sorry about that, Marty, I didn't mean to maim you. I only meant to kill you." - Jackie O, The House of Yes

"Well, that happened." - Bob Barrenger, State & Main

"Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole." - Mark, Garden State

"He's got an arm off! " - Shaun, Shaun of the Dead

"I know Kung-Fu." - Neo, The Matrix

"I fell out of my suit when I hit the floor!" - Ted, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Do not doubt the Lasso of Truth!

I should be Wonder Woman. It's true, it really is. Joss Whedon, my writing hero, is writing and directing the Wonder Woman movie. They couldn't have chosen a better person. And since they have the perfect writer/director on board, they should really have the perfect Wonder Woman. And that, my friends, is me.I think I could fill those sexy boots and an unknown really should play the superheroes. Yes, Charisma Carpenter would make a great Wonder Woman but I'd rather her stay Cordelia Chase in my mind. Besides, it'd be much more fun for me to dress up and punch bad guys. I'd look so awesome deflecting bullets.

There is a small list of things I will need to do to prepare for the role.

1.) Get buff
2.) Learn to walk in heels
3.) Lasso training
4.) Invisible jet flying
5.) Learn to act

I think I can manage that list. Now how do I audition? I think that will be the biggest problem. Maybe I should enlist some friends and we could make a documentary about me trying to become Wonder Woman and making Keanu Reeves my lover in the process.

I think that's a fine idea.

I really need to work on my reaction time. When strange drunk men sneak up behind me and give me a slobbery gross kiss on the side of my neck, I just do nothing but think 'what the fuck? ' and keep doing what I'm doing.
I really should practice up on the scorpion kick. That would fuck them up real nice. Or maybe a good ground sweep and then an elbow to the jaw. That'll learn them. I've always wanted to throw an elbow.

How lame am I?

I fell out of bed this morning and hurt myself. My left hand is all bruised and swollen.

A friend told me one of the reasons he loved me was for my ability to spew amusing streams of profanity. I think this may be why the fires of hell have decided to rise up from the dregs of the earth and set up shop on my face right near my mouth. Lucifer must have heard me tell everyone to 'get fucked' at that party last week and thought I could provide the proper nurturing for hell on earth.

For this talent, I'd like to thank my Mom, Chevy Chase and that little girl from Flatliners who punctuates her perfect profane spew on Kevin Bacon with "you ass-lickin' son of a bitch!"

Best Chapter Heading

Chapter 15

Like God's Own Chocolate, I'd Lick Her Shadow Off a Hot Sidewalk

Fairy Tale Life

Once upon a time there was a beautiful maiden who wanted nothing more than for her prince to fuck right off. Since he was of a callow lot, it would never come to pass by his hand. So the beautiful maiden packed up a carriage and relocated to a village where a prince from Toronto who’d traveled the South Pacific was sure to not follow.

The maiden could not have imagined the wonders that filled her now solitary living arrangement. She could make a lone sandwich and watch back to back episodes of Charmed without hearing any lame princely comments. She could now rent movies where girls cry and people talk about relationships and real life.

Nothing pleased the beautiful maiden more than the beer that stayed in the fridge while she was at work. Oh how she danced and twirled in the snow while wearing mis-matched colours and not caring at all. She even went so far as to set her alarm clock to wake her up with the same uplifting Pearl Jam song every day.

Life is now sweet for the beautiful maiden. She listens to Tori Amos at her leisure and eats entire chocolate bars to herself. So remember, you can love your prince but sometimes your life won’t improve until he fucks right off and leaves you be.

I made it to Winnipeg!

Let's see how this goes.....

Yes, yes, get over it, Eve.

My move to Winnipeg is fast approaching but closer still is the 10 year reunion I planned with 12 of my old friends. Canada Day 2006 I will be waiting in my hometown park to see how many of my old high school friends and drug buddies will show for the festivities. I'm certain there will be at least three of us but I am most interested to see if my old best friend, Audrey will be there. She's the one who cut herself off from all of us about 7 years ago. Two years ago she moved back to our hometown so I'm hoping she'll turn up. I've heard she's married now and I hope she will make the time to join us for a whole evening of fun rather than just a hello in the park.

I've even been having paranoid dreams about going back. I think it's more related to my move though. My dreams are basically displaying my fears of not fitting in with the people who were once so close to me that I consider them family. In one dream I arrived at a party with the regular crew to find everyone talking about Gord's upcoming wedding. Everyone but me was a part of the wedding party and they had neglected to even tell me or invite me. Needless to say I woke up bothered and quickly fell into a lucid dreamstate where Audrey was talking to me as though she had never known me at all.

It doesn't help either that my ex-boyfriend from three years back befriended many of these people and has become one of their best friends since we broke-up. Yeah, he's got a right to be friends with whomever but it still bothers me when I see all the photos of him doing all the things I would like to be doing with them. He knows them better than I do now. It's poo and I don't like it. I'm sure I'll get over it soon enough. We haven't seen each other since the break-up so we haven't had the time to become friends again. Hopefully I can get over it quickly enough that I don't make an ass of myself.

But an ass I am so an ass I'll probably be.

666

I watched the remake of The Omen last night and I must say it was well done. Liev Schreiber was especially good and Damien was nice and creepy. I did spend most of the film anticipating decapitation and it would have been better if I didn't know everything that was going to happen. But people who've never seen the original will at least not have to be subjected to a crappy remake of an awesome film. And some of them will even go rent the original and it's sequels.

I do wish they'd find new ways of creeping people out though. The opening of the medicine cabinet mirror and it's closing to reveal creepy crawly icky oozy anything is just way too over-used and should be retired from the scare chest. It's just boring.

Art Therapy

I love art therapy. Just give me some paint, pencil crayons and glue and I'll spread my rage all over the page. That or I'll just concentrate so hard on drawing a straight line I'll stop thinking about everything that pisses me off so my mind gets some relaxation time. I figure if I can keep up with my quiet rage I can get enough practice in art therapy to become a pretty decent artist.

Yesterday I made a barfing glitter self portrait. It was for my in box at work.

Brotherly Love?

Libby Mae Brown: "I been workin' here at the D.Q. for about, um... eight months? Seven? I don't know, somethin' like that, it's fun. Just do the cones... make sundaes, make Blizzards, 'n... put stuff on 'em, 'n... see a lot of people come in, a lot of people come to the D.Q... burgers... ice cream... anything, you know? Cokes... just drive in and get a Coke, if you're thirsty."

My brother called and woke me up at 8am on a Saturday to tell me that he got me a job for when I arrive in Winnipeg. At the Dairy Queen. As awesome as this is of my brother, I really hope I don't have to take it. I haven't worked fast food since I was 15 and that was only for 3 months. I was really hoping I'd never have to do that again. I don't even eat fast food. Or meat. And I'm definitely not the Queen of Dairy. I prefer vanilla soy milk on my cereal.

If I do have to take it, I'll be wearing the pictured expression throughout every shift and quoting Libby Mae Brown whenever asked how I like working at the DQ.

I'm also going to make sure my name tag says Libby Mae.

Bloody Murder Anyone?

I've been watching the final season of Six Feet Under this past week and I've come to the conclusion that I don't really like any of the characters on the show. I'm kinda hoping that the last episode turns into a gore-fest and Billy Chenowith (Jeremy Sisto) murders everyone in a shock-horror blood bath. Now wouldn't that be fun?

I think I am sad

Boo. My favourite little blonde, Dolly of the Paper Dollhouse has deleted her blog. I hope she comes back but if not she will be sadly missed. This Brigitte is for her.

Free Natalie!

Sober is the new high

May 1st I quit smoking weed and drinking coffee. I'm glad to say it's been rather easy. Clear thinking, a less groggy wake up and the ability to dream and remember those dreams is something I can get used to. Since moving to Vancouver I've wasted too much time sitting around getting high and doing nothing to write home about.

Now that my brain is clear my decision making skills are less wishy washy so I've put them to good use. My first and most important decision was to make a move and move I shall. To Winnipeg. In September. Vancouver is just not my town. Yes we all love the extended summer but I couldn't think of any other reason to stay.

In Winnipeg I have a brand new nephew and a step-nephew. I also have a brother and a sister-in-law I've only met once. Add on the many friends, the cheap rent, my previous enjoyment of Winnipeg and my extreme love of snow...well I just no longer have any excuses to not live there. My excuse used to be Winnipeg's too seasonal film industry but I've quit that racket so it's time to head home.

I miss the sense of family I've been lucky enough to have in every other place I've lived. I've always had a family of friends even when my blood kin weren't around. Out here I'm a part of nothing and I don't quite fit in when an opening has been presented.

I'm so excited about the snow!

HKD says I need to write more. So since I'm drunk and lame and my ex-bf/roommate is Chi-Sowing with his Kung-Fu buddies in the living room, I'm having a sit-down in my lair and writing about the lameness that is my life.

I'm currently stuck in a vortex of nothingness where I seem to exist and not much happens but a whole bunch of time passes and I end up like "what the fuck? Is it Wednesday already?" and someone else is like "yeah, it's also April." So I, of course, realize that I'm a huge time waster and everything is boring and I'm way too self involved to accomplish anything and I'm such a fucking Libra that I'm confused that my kingdom doesn't recognize their Queen that is me and I should be chopping some heads. Worship me already!

Then at the same time I have a hankering to find a cave to dwell in and live like the animals that we all are because society on the whole baffles me and I don't feel apart of it at all.

And how can I rightfully be so tragic when I'm young and pretty with a roof over my head, a good family and a handful of decent humans for friends? I mean, really, come on. I'm such a selfish moe foe.

Grrrr Aarrggghh, for serious. And I say that because I want to be able to just say that it's only my selfishness. Cause that I can fix.

x/y

It's unfortunate that knobby wanker turned down my naughty advances to be in a comfortable safe relationship with coffee shop girl. More unfortunate for him cause now he'll never know what I was going to do to him. But still unfortunate for me because it's so rare that I find a man attractive. Yes, I see hot dudes all over but then I talk to them and my interest fades. I'm probably just a big lesbian anyway since I find more women attractive than I do men.

But I'm still picky when it comes to girls. I like hot girls with long hair and stockings. Suicide type girls with some tats and piercings and a flirtatious rock and roll attitude. I almost picked up a hot blond who was totally stoked that she scored an interview with one of the bands that played at dicks on dicks that night. But a cell phone call and a run in with a friend later and she was lost in the crowd. Too bad, but I know to look for her at punk rock shows.

We shall have to wait and see what comes of my lesbianism. I've got people cheering for it all over. I suspect some of them just want to watch me make out with girls. Making out with girls IS fun, I can't deny that, so watching it must be almost as much fun.

Grrrrrrrrrrr...

I let myself fall for that knobby wanker.

I'm finding it very annoying that I'm still having lusty feelings towards him.

Wanker

Ah, so much has happened this past month. I broke it off with my boyfriend but we are still living together. And although he's having a case of 'you don't know what you got til it's gone', it seems to be working out alright with a few bumps here and there. We really are best friends and we both know our relationship makes more sense as just friends. I was even able to talk with him about my first failed attempt at dating again.

I met this dude who seemed really interested in me. He would hover around me constantly and stare at me and make attempts to understand some of the random bizarre shit that comes out of my mouth for my own personal entertainment. We went out a few times and even had a strangely romantic make-out session in the middle of a downtown street late one night. Then I didn't see him for three days. He tells me he wants to talk to me about something, nothing bad. So I meet him for a St. Patrick's Day party and while we're on the bus he tells me how much he enjoys talking with me and all that bullshit. Then he tells me that he started dating coffee shop girl in those three days but he doesn't want things to be weird between us. Then, this is the one that makes me want to laugh in his face, he tells me how beautiful I am, and then he kindof shivers to himself to emphasize his belief in my beauty. Like it's some sort of consolation prize. I didn't choose you but buck up, I think you're gorgeous. Yeah, suck a fart outta my asshole, ya wanker. You go be happy with your safe, linear coffee shop girl, I have better things to do then ponder my rank on your hotness scale. Ppfffft.

Now I'm starting to make plans to get the rest of my back tattooed. I've had plans for a full back tattoo for about 4 years now. I have one between my shoulder blades that I want to expand on to cover my entire back and spill out over my hips and around my ribs. Maybe then I'll learn to walk in heels and apply to be a Suicide Girl. You know, since I'm so fucking beautiful. What a knob.

I'm a Bettie. How fitting.

You are Bettie Page

Girl next door with a wild streak You're a famous beauty - with unique look And the people like you are cultish about it

What Famous Pinup Are You?

I totally got tagged!

I have a job now and something resembling a life that doesn't completely take place in my lair of a computer room. Yay! Two acquaintances have crossed the line to friend so I now have a total of three friends in Vancouver. One of them is having a party on Saturday so I have to invite the other two and make it a shindig!

Anyway, back to the title, I've been tagged by Prego of Rust Belt Ramblings fame. He's one of two, count 'em, 2 bloggers who stop by from time to time to read my blather. Now on with the lists...

4 jobs I've had

1.)Rubble mover/fire hose handler/broom pusher - I once spent a summer tearing down a giant furnace. And guess what, I dropped acid for one shift, just because. I'm such an asshole. But I did work extra hard that day to avoid everyone's gaze. I felt like I was in the movie 'IT' and Tim Curry was gonna get me. It was kinda awesome at the time.
And, "YOU GET TO DRINK FROM THE FIRE HOSE!" - Not really but it's my nature to use obscure film quotes.
2.)Movie Theatre Concession - That was a good summer. Free movies for me and a guest whenever I felt like it. Although I had to sit through 'There's Something About Mary' three times in one week to appease my friends.
3.)Props P.A. on a puppet show - my favourite job so far. Puppet people are crazy in the awesome way. Plus I was once paid to build a model ship.
4.) Post PA - free car, free gas, free cell phone(with Tetris!), free food. I drove around dropping off film and tapes all over Toronto while cranking the tunes. My singing voice was never better. I also spent several afternoons in second hand music stores searching out angry chick music to use as guide tracks for editing.

4 films worthy of my time (again and again)

I could list heaps of films I could watch again and again like 'The Big Lebowski' and 'Kill Bill' and 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High' and 'E.T.' but these four listed below have some extra special nostalgia. (Although 'FTatRH' goes well with #1 on mushrooms, and 'BL' makes me want a White Russian and a lazy boy and 'E.T.' is a whole other post about a supernatural childhood experience that I will never forget....)

1.) Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - oh so good! Totally quotable and my most memorable movie going experience. Everyone in the theatre was so stoked that no one would stop screaming when the film started. They shut off the film and threatened not to play it if we didn't shut-up, which was stupid because the film takes a while to get going and EVERYBODY wanted to be screaming. I would also like to note that I will defend Keanu to my grave. Every time he sucks in a movie, it's the Director's fault. Of course Keanu wants to be in a vampire movie with Gary Oldman and Anthony Hopkins. Don't you? F.F.Coppola was dumb enough to cast him, it's his fault (don't question my logic).
2.) The House of Yes - I so want Parker Posey to tell me off. This film is adapted from a play and although it's not cinematic, I just don't fucking care. The dialogue and campy performances are too good to pay attention to that. Even Tori Spelling isn't annoying and I have a soft spot for Freddie Prince Jr. because of this movie. Dark comedy is fun!
3.) Dazed and Confused - another great example of Parker Posey being a bitch. Also, this movie sums up my life in high school. Watching it is like going home. Growing up so isolated resulted in the 90's being very 70's. We didn't have a music store so we listened to our parents music, many of my friends had awesome 70's cars, and we hung out with several Wooderson types. One of them was named Roach (go figure). Every single person in that film reminds me of someone I knew and more than just a passing resemblance. I was Milla Jovovich's character. I even had the drug dealer boyfriend. (But Slater was my boy next door.)
4.)The Last Unicorn - My favourite childhood film. The music is so terrible and Mia Farrow cannot sing. It's so awesome and frightening. I love it. I read that they were re-making it which excites me because the music really is that terrible. I met Alan Arkin (Schmendrick the Magician) once and I had to talk to him about how awesome a remake would be. He hadn't heard any such thing but was glad to hear of the possibility. Side note: Alan Arkin is a very sweet and considerate man.

4 places I've lived (where rent was paid)

1.) Winnipeg, MB
2.) Thunder Bay, ON
3.) Toronto, ON
4.) Vancouver, BC

A good time was had in all places. (Finally, some good times in Vancouver!)

4 T.V. shows I love

1.) Buffy the Vampire Slayer
2.) Angel
3.) Firefly
4.) Deadwood

I'm a whore for Joss Whedon and #4 has whores.

4 books I love (of the non-comic variety)

1.)Good Omens by Neil Gaiman - my most favourite book. I like some comedy mixed with my apocalypse (see: Buffy and Angel)
2.) Not Wanted on the Voyage by Timothy Findley - A more realistic portrayal of the likely attitudes of men in biblical times, told in a surreal and fantastical way by a Canadian author.
3.) The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test by Tom Wolfe - The true story of Ken Kesey (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest) and the Merry Pranksters. This book made me want to buy a school bus and drive across Canada. The Kool-Aid Acid Test parties are also where the Grateful Dead began.
4.)Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman - a fantasy tale about London underground. Originally written as a BBC series but plays much better in prose. I read this while riding the Toronto subway lines. Traveling to work was never so much fun.

4 places I've vacationed

1.) Jamaica - I was 4yrs old
2.) Nova Scotia - Is it vacationing when you visit relations?
3.) Florida - Twice to Disney World all before high school.
4.) Hot Springs Cove, Vancouver Island - the only vacation that was really vacationy. Two weeks of private ocean front camping with my boyfriend in a lush rainforest with cozy ocean view hot springs.

Yeah, I need to travel.

4 Websites I visit

1.) Neil Gaiman
2.) Suicide Girls
3.) Bob and David
4.) Penguins Jousting Toucans - the best stream of consciousness - this dude is the shit

4 foods worth ingesting

1.) dolmades (grape leaf rolls - Mediterranean)
2.) injera bread with vegetarian subjis (Ethiopian)
3.) roasted red pepper and grilled eggplant in a wrap with tabouleh (parsley/tomato salad), banana peppers and tahini
4.) potato pea and curry samosas with tamarind chutney

4 people to tag (difficult since no one reads this)

1.) Van Nasty
2.) Nerf
3.) Explosive Laughter (now that I've linked her, she'll find me)
4.) Lenny (it'll be about time I've commented on his blog)

Please forgive me if you're a hater of tagging.

Whew, that was long but I guess I did more commenting than list making.

My World View, Quiz style

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.

Romanticist 94% Cultural Creative 94% Postmodernist 56% Idealist 56% Fundamentalist 50% Existentialist 38% Modernist 38% Materialist 13% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com

Terrible is Beautiful?

Last night I was reading an article and I came across the word terrible but my mind registered it as beautiful. The next few sentences stopped making sense so I read back and when I came to the word terrible I remembered thinking the meaning was beautiful but still knowing I had read terrible. If this isn't some form of dyslexia then I'll equate it to my own personal darkness. But at the same time when I look at the word TERRIBLE it's actually a rather nice looking word. I don't mean the meaning; I mean the combination of shapes. It's just pretty. So maybe, just maybe, when I read the word terrible I wasn't replacing the meaning of terrible in my head, I was just appreciating the design of the letters.

Sometimes I just think too much.

Addiction

I am entirely addicted to The Be Good Tanyas version of the House of the Rising Sun. Soooooooooo good.

Bitch and Moan and You Shall Receive

Apparently making grand statements about moving away from this shitty city makes friends fall in your lap. Ha, I dig it.

My one friend in this town who's way too busy with work for her own good has many other friends. One of these other friends called me to see if I was going to the Fluff Girl Burlesque show at the Lamp Lighter. I was, so we met up. Now she and this other dude are totally tolerable and open enough for me to say that they're my kind of people. It probably helps that she's also from a small town in Manitoba. About a year ago I came to the conclusion that people from Manitoba are a special kind of people. Especially people from not Winnipeg. I like Peggers, they do have their own special weirdness but it's less than that of a small town Manitoban.

Manitoba churns out some quality folks.

A Good Cause

Wikipedia is a non-profit organization that survives on donations to keep it's ever-growing collection of knowledge accessible to the masses.

Read the letter and support however you can.

http://wikimediafoundation.org/wiki/Personal_Appeal

The light in the dark

Sometimes when I can't sleep I look into the black and see the substance of darkness. It's like the air is made up of sparkly gel with little light flashes of colour trapped in the darkness. I always wonder if everybody sees this or if it's just me. We used to call this acid air but when on acid it had much more to it than colour. My favourite was when it looked like tiny little muppets everywhere with an emphasis on Kermit, Miss Piggy and Animal.

One of the things I always loved about growing up in a small town was the ability to achieve (our idea of) perfect darkness. On a moonless night with little light pollution it was easy to find darkness in which to play. Sometimes we'd play with candles and fire. I took one of those restaurant candles in blue glass and attached a chain to it to swing and whirl around. It had a great medieval feel to it when no other light sources were in the room. We'd play with black lights and colour our yo-yo strings with yellow highlighter. That's how I learned to yo-yo.

We'd play with all things glow in the dark. My friend Adam had an empty bedroom in his house with mirrored closet doors. We'd all lay on the floor while one person would stand in the middle with glow sticks on strings and whip them around the room. Sometimes we'd even think enough to have that person wear glow in the dark nail polish. Glow stick fights with couch barricades were also quite fun. I remember a particular fight where a dead glow stick was in play. Ow.

But we'd also play in total darkness. I remember being in a dark laundry room with my friend, Gord, my boyfriend, Austin and friend, Tina. We were using the tiniest amount of starlight on a dark night coming through the small basement window to watch each other's faces change around our eyes. We really couldn't see our actual faces, just a glimpse of eyes but the imagined faces were spectacular. A mix of all things beautiful and horrific. Monsters and aliens that had Gord diving behind the furnace to proclaim he was quite comfortable there. Until he realized he was laying on a mattress of pink insulation.

After that game subsided and we were waxing philosophical we kept hearing Gord crunching beside us. After a while he asked who had brought the salt & vinegar chips because they were soooo good. No one did. There were no salt & vinegar chips. We flicked on the light to find Gord had devoured a bag of spitz with shells. He had a lovely Ace Ventura grin.

But my ultimate favourite light in the dark would be the Northern Lights. I used to lay on my front lawn and look up and daydream. I've never been farther North then my hometown so I've never seen them as awesome anywhere else and they are fucken amazing in my hometown. I miss them more than I miss snow. I miss snow a lot.

I love the darkness and I love the light that you can find in the dark.

Argh! I can't sleep!

Now that the excess water has drained from my head, I can't get the rush of thoughts to clear out long enough to catch some sleep. It was fine the other night when my thoughts revolved around my comic storyline. I managed to etch out some rather awesome plot twists to deceive and astound readers and an ending that makes me smile with sheer satisfaction. But tonight it's not so much with the literary thought process. It's more along the lines of my life and how to be satisfied with my surroundings.

It's no mystery that my move to Vancouver has proved unsatisfactory. I've been here a year and four months and I've yet to find reason to like this city. Sure, it's got great proximity to other places that are great. But I don't have a car or the money that's necessary to get to these awesome places. Add on the rain and I'm finding few reasons to venture outside of my neighbourhood. Downtown Vancouver seems to be full of trend obsessed clones talking on cell phones with their ugly Gucci bags on their arm. Granville Street's full of hooligans and hipsters. It's as though every drunken idiot with something to holler is out on Granville after dark. It's quite a phenomenon. Not only is everybody drunk, they're also obnoxious. I guess that's free entertainment.

People talk about Main and Broadway like it's the shit but besides two bookstores and the Foundation restaurant...it looks like an industrial zone. West 4th and Kits is ok for a stroll but I've been there, seen it, don't need to go back unless I'm going to the Comic Shop or the Naam. It's also a little too shi shi poo poo for my tastes. Then you have the Downtown Eastside. It's sadness compressed into one little area. I ride the bus through there all the time and it never fails to affect me. It reminds me of hopelessness and what's wrong with our world. I can't avoid it and it can't be ignored. I imagine what the Olympics will bring for those people. More heartache would be my guess.

There are a few pockets of the city I can enjoy. Chinatown is always good for an afternoon. Gastown has some good live music happening and tolerable crowds in attendance. Summer will bring Stanley Park and a few other busable outdoor activities. Commercial Drive is clearly the best area of the city. It has a great blend of awesome little shops and bookstores, cafes and coffee houses, clubs and patios, parks and people. It's where I spend my time. Everywhere else just feel like places to shop, the Drive is more a place to 'be'.

I know my perspective is tainted from my lack of a social circle. I'm sure I would enjoy the city more if I had the money and the friends to enjoy it with. And I suppose I'm working on that but I'm not so sure I'm going to find the friends I'm looking for here. For me friends feel like home. When I feel at home with friends I'm the most confident me I can be. When I'm at home with friends I'm amazing and they amaze me right back. We fall in love with each other and become family. So I guess what I'm saying is that home is where your friends are, so I should go there.

Vancouver is not my home. I wanted to move here for 5 years and I finally did. I'm not done here yet but I don't think I'll be sticking around much longer. I wasted all the nice days last summer working long hours at a shitty film job so I'd like to stick around and enjoy a proper summer in Vancouver. Who knows, maybe everything will be different by then and I'll be loving it here. Toronto definitely wasn't my favourite place to be when I first moved there and I ended up loving it. If not, I'm going back to Manitoba to be with the ones who know me best, to the people who give me strength.

My Mom keeps telling me I'm a small town girl who keeps moving to the big city. I suppose she's right in some sense. It's not the size of the places that matter, it's the lack of community. I rather enjoyed being invisible for a while but it starts to wear on a person. You become more singular, more self centered, less thoughtful. I manage to get lost in my thoughts when I move about the city because nobody's paying any attention to me so I don't have to pay any attention to them. I've become a solitary person who's not so shiny anymore.

I won't ever move back to my hometown but Winnipeg is home enough. I have many friends there and a brother with a baby on the way. Enough of my hometown is there to not be a stranger in the street 24/7. And I have high hopes for my creativity. All of my friends are artists or musicians. I get a creative buzz whenever I visit. So many of them are in line with my ideals, beliefs and lifestyle. The only thing stopping me from living there before was the slow film climate and I'm not doing that anymore. And since I didn't quit the industry because I needed to go home, I feel relief that it's finally ok to go home.

10 years gone and I finally am truly homesick.

Iron Spidey

Spiderman has a new costume.

He's been playing with Tony Stark.

I love Friday the 13th.
It's always a good day.

I've probably spoken too soon.

Sense This

I want to be working on a series of diary entries for my comic characters as a way to flesh out their back stories but I can't stop thinking about the water in my head. My ears have filled up with fluid and my left ear is infected. All sounds are muted and I can hear my own heartbeat in my inner ear. I also can hear the ocean.

My thoughts are constantly distracted to how hard it would be to be deaf. I would no longer hear the sweet sounds of Tori and I could no longer make those sounds myself. At least I could hug a speaker and feel the awesome vibrations of Tool. I'd have a hard time communicating with people outside of the written word. I then stray to how it just might be worse to be blind. I could no longer look at the sometimes gorgeous, sometimes gruesome art of comics. I could no longer write without dictating to someone. I'd have to learn Braille to read and have movies described to me. Both would be difficult to deal with but I already know my alphabet in ASL. And I know how to say fast dirty lesbian, so I'm off to a good start.

It is possible that I will struggle with my sense of smell. My Dad has a deviated septum resulting in several surgeries and a complete loss of smell for 5 years. He did regain the ability to smell strong smells after one of his co-workers moved on to another job. She bathed daily in strong perfume. At least he was lucky to not have to smell that but he could hardly taste food while he worked with her.

If I break my nose I will end up with similar problems. My septum is already curved enough that I often have sinus headaches. I already have a weakened sense of smell but I'm hoping that it's just the after effects of being a smoker and hanging around in constant smoke. I haven't smoked in almost two years and new laws allow us to sit in a bar without our eyes burning. My friend, Tammy said she didn't get her full senses of taste and smell back until three years after quitting smoking. So there's still hope for me. I just have to be sure to not piss anyone off enough to get popped in the nose.

Losing my sense of smell would sadden me. Not only would the enjoyment of food be minimized but smell is our strongest link to memory. The faintest smell can trigger a rush of memories long forgotten. Go and smell some Play-doh, a Cabbage Patch Kid or the Purple Pie Man. Tribe perfume reminds me of a friend from grade 8, CK One reminds me of high school. I love the smell of books and vinegar. I can even inhale the sweet smell of chocolate to curb the craving to devour it in mounds.

My grade 11 science teacher once told us a story about the senses and LSD. He told the story as if he were recounting a friend's experience but it was obviously his trip. The lesson was about synapses in the brain and he got to talking about LSD's tendency to re-route synapses to create hallucinations. He had been wondering around town, tripping out when he was sprayed by a skunk. He was unaware that he had even been sprayed but he was aware of the red cloud that surrounded him and followed him everywhere. It wasn't until he arrived at a party and was told that he'd been sprayed before he realized the source of the mysterious cloud.

I later went to that class on LSD. We had a test that day. My teacher obviously knew what I was up to since he moved me to the front of the class to write my test in front of the skeleton that lurks in all high school science labs. The white brick wall breathed rapidly behind the skeleton as he smiled and twitched to my horror/amusement. At one point my teacher leaned right over and looked up into my face with a giant smile to ask me how I was doing. Yah, he knew but I don't think he minded. I got 19% on that test. I would've gotten about the same sober since he was a terrible teacher. (The next year I had awesome science teachers and excelled in Chem and Bio.) I didn't make it to any of my other classes that day and I never went to school on acid again (well I did once more but I took it my class after lunch so it didn't kick in until my spare - but that's a whole other story).

For an amusing and somewhat gross take on the sense of smell, watch Elijah Wood's class presentation in The Ice Storm. Charles.

Me & Neil will be hanging out with the Dream King

Oooh, there was one really awesome thing that happened in 2005. I met my hero, Neil Gaiman, twice in one day. I asked him about Tori Amos and for the proper pronunciation of the Angel, Aziraphale from Good Omens. He read from Anansi Boys and told stories of working on Mirrormask at Jim Hensen's old home. He signed 4 of my books as well. At the end of the evening, after he re-filled his fountain pen and signed my last book (Marvel 1602), I wished him a good evening. He stopped what he was doing as though he were taken aback and gave me a very genuine smile, thanked me and wished me the same. It was as though no one else who had lined up had considered his enjoyment.

Re-existing

2005 ending was just an all around good event. The year had a very large suck factor with my attitude being a major player in the suckage. I managed to get through the holidays by being very bland and dull and barely noticing much around me. I then drank a pitcher of sangria and watched Carnivale until 2005 went away. Yay! It's over.

2006 started with some awesomeness on the first day. I moseyed on down to my favourite coffee shop to bury my head in a book and surround myself with other humans. It's not as satisfying as real human interaction but it's a good substitute when you're like me and have forgotten how to socialize. The place was filling up and I had a sweet spot for comfortable reading. One of the regulars arrived for his daily mocha and paper reading. We'd had one or two minute long conversations before and I was at his regular table so he asked to join me. After that neither of us cracked a book or paper. We talked for 5 hours about religion, The Odyssey, The Iliad and comics. Shit that I like to talk about. So all is cool. The first day of 2006 I made a friend. We've had coffee once more since then and I have to go see him perform sometime soon. He's a warrior poet and participates in slam poetry nights all over the city.

My old film school friend, who lives in the city, seems to be on a bit of a break from her busy business and pleasure travel schedule. So I am able to have some friend time with her too. I didn't see too much of her in 2005. When she wasn't traveling, I was a negative downer so I didn't hang out with her too much because I couldn't stand the sound of myself complaining. But now I'm over that. Whew.

I also finally got a job. It's only part time and it's retail but it is a bookstore. At least I have a love for the product I'll be selling. Hopefully I'll make a friend or two through work. I'm so in need of rejoining society. It's hard to write characters when you don't interact with real life characters. I'll also be glad to re-introduce myself to the parts of my personality that only come out in social situations. Ah, to be hilarious once again. Let's hope I didn't lose it.

2006 will be my year.
2005 - go fuck yourself.