Severed

My sober time has given me a lot of time to reflect on the things I normally don't think about. Like past relationships that no longer exist. One such relationship was with my best friend in high school. Audrey and I were together as much as possible for 5 years. We met when I returned to my hometown to finish high school in grade 11. It was basically the two of us with a bunch of guy friends. We tripped out together constantly, could out-smoke all the boys and had a fine time of it. We eventually had more girls join us in our debauchery, but Audrey and I were the mainstays.

We had our own language. We could look each other in the eye and know what the other was thinking. It wasn't uncommon for us to be on opposite ends of a room with the both of us bursting out with laughter at the same moment. It confused our other friends but they got used to it. Sometimes we'd let them in on it, though they wouldn't always get it. Audrey and I were very close and we became close with many of our other friends. We were a tight knit family, but I guess that happens when you share and philosophize and bare your soul with the same group of people night after night for years.

I found my old autograph page from my grade 12 yearbook. Audrey wrote a note in her typical fashion. I can hear it now as she would have spoken it.

Okay Eve,

This is how it is.
EVERYONE KNOWS MAN!
So hey Eve are you gonna miss me?
Well I hope so, cause I'm gonna miss me too.
Well have fun when you move but not too much man.
Like you said Eve it's been papers and mold and everything in between babe.
Well you're fucken cool babe, and you better keep in touch cause if you don't, I'll die.
Have a good future with lots of drugs man.
We're gonna end up living in the lonely desert with Jim Morrison's spirit.
With all of our ACID.
Love ya always Man,
Audrey

(Yes, we were mildly reminiscent of Alice and Chris in Go Ask Alice. We also lived in an isolated small town - we were behind. It was the 90's but it was also very 70's)

She was a year behind me in school. I went away to college while she finished grade 12. She came to visit and I came home every holiday. I ended up dropping out of college (business school - I just wasn't interested at the time) and moved back home for a year to figure out what I wanted to make of myself. Audrey and I were still the best of friends. She even went to the same school as me when I went to film school. We had an apartment together and would tag along to each other's class events.

But something happened very early on that year. Audrey began to get very strange in her intoxication. She was becoming a mean and uncontrollable drunk. She wasn't drinking excessively or anything but when she did she would be rude and obnoxious. She started trying to pick fights with me. She would jump out of moving vehicles(slowing for lights) to get away from us (our other hometown roommate and close friend, Russ). She would get on a chair in one of the rougher bars in town and start making fun of people on the dance floor. She even once smeared ice cream all over our kitchen. Partying with her usually ended with Russ and I struggling to keep her out of trouble.

After the winter break Audrey didn't do too much partying, instead concentrating on her studies. I didn't try to pressure her into it, I just let her be. We'd also lost a good friend to a heroin overdose. He was the only one that had been involved in such serious drug use but it still made for some heavy soul searching. I wasn't doing too much on the drug front, at least not to the excess of high school and the two years following. I knew that Audrey needed to get away from that lifestyle. I also had suspicion that she was feeling very separated from her family. She came from a very close family with 3 brothers who all still lived at home. I was fairly certain that some of her destructive behavior came from that separation.

At the end of the school year it came time to pack up and say our goodbyes. I had decided not to go home for the summer and check out small town Southern Ontario for a while. Audrey and I had a nice evening talking about how we were great friends and we'd miss each other and write and call during the summer. I never heard from her once that summer. I called and she wasn't home, I wrote and she never wrote back. When I got back to school I found her in the cafeteria. She was pleasant but distant. She ignored me the rest of the year under the pretense of always being in a rush to get somewhere else.

I know friends grow apart but she was very deliberate at separating our ties. I suspect she felt the need to lose me as a friend to get away from the drug atmosphere our relationship was born in. I just wish she would have told me. I would have understood, she was my best friend. I was confused and insulted for a long time until I spoke to one of our other old drug friends. He said she didn't have anything to do with him anymore either. He ran into her when she was with her boyfriend. She exchanged pleasantries but didn't even make any introductions. He was one of her best friends (and still one of mine).

We've all moved on from our days of excess. We still enjoy drinks and some bud(I'm still trying to moderate this one). Maybe even an occasional mushroom trip (like once a year occasional). But no more chemicals. I'm still good friends with 3 of my old cohorts but they live in Winnipeg and Edmonton (the ones in the peg get up to far more trouble than I do these days).

I guess in my reflection I can forgive Audrey for not telling me why she cut me off so suddenly. I can forgive her for making me feel unwanted and insecure. I just hope I'm right about why she let me go. I hear she's married now and back in our hometown close to her awesome family. I hope she's happy, although I doubt she'd be unhappy. Who knows, maybe she'll show up for the 10 year reunion we planned for this summer for our small family of friends.